Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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