So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
