And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
