Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
