i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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