i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
