My liver just broke up with me...
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
