I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
