he thought i was a dude.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
