You just made me feel so damn special
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize