well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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