She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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