I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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