Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
This is the high leading the old right now
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
