I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
