Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
