How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
