Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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