Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize