tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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