if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
