if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You need Xanax blowdarts
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize