end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
