highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It's no shave November. This is our time.
i now understand why vodka
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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