enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
