Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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