I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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