I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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