it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
