I think I won the penis lottery.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
