I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize