You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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