You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize