I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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