I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I am full of burrito and curiosity
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
