she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
