I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
