I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
