I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize