He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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