So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
