2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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