omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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