Can i not drive my cunt home
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
