I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
