broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
