please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize