He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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