I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize