There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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