no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
