Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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