Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
