Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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