I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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