I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You left your phone here
Wait...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
