I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
