the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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