3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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