Apparently you make a good broom.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize