I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
