Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
