i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
