I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
