think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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