ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You ruined the universe
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
